I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
