suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
