i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there's paper in my vomit.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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