is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Are we still banned from the library?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
3 2 1 whiskey
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
