I accidentally had phone sex last night
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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