you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
