What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
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