508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.