my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
