DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Randomize
