in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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