Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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