Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
