Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
