I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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