yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I will pee on everything he values.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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