uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
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You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
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I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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