sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
