dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
