drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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