Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
