dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
