i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
