DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Please don't give away my fajitas
His nipple licking is glorious
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