I didn't shave. On purpose
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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