alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
