He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
