Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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