Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
