for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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