At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
