A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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