You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
