Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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