Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
