I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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