four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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