I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I think I just sharted jello shots
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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