Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
