my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You've changed since you got that strap on
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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