I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
