Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
