I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Sober January is a disaster.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
