take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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