I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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