you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Everyone says I win the strip club
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
