my phone needs a breathalizer
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
