She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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