If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
