you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
