Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
