I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Come share oat with me in your robe
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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