u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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