take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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