My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
