His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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