I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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