Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
