She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
