She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's shark week go big or go home
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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