I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
