If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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